The “what are we” question in a relationship often has a funny Nigerian answer which is: “We are pencils in the hands of the creator.” Seriously, it is a great question to ask if you are in a relationship that you do not understand. That is a direct way of getting clarity on where you stand with your partner.
Sometimes, you may think you are in a serious relationship that is heading to marriage. But your partner may think otherwise or has second thoughts. There is nothing wrong with clarifying issues. However, there are certain ways to do that and this is what this article will talk about.
Why do people ask ‘What are we?’
People like putting labels on things to make them less complicated. Therefore, labelling your relationship by asking “What are we?” is not an exception. You want to know whether you are on the same page as your partner or you are alone. You also want to know if you are heading somewhere or if your partner just views you as a temporary use to hold onto until something more permanent comes along. Either way, people ask “What are we” to get clarification on whether they should stay in a relationship or abort the mission.
How to have the ‘what are we’ conversation
If you hate confrontations or asking for things, you will probably be nervous about having that “What are we” conversation. However, it is a must-have conversation you do not want to skip, otherwise, you might find yourself in a relationship that is taking you to where you do not know.
So, here are important tips to have that talk.
ALSO READ: 10 ways to know you’re in a situationship
Know the right time to define your relationship
If you are in a romantic relationship for a while and you are worried about where it is heading, then it is time to have that conversation. Rebecca Hendrix, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in the U.S. city of Los Angeles, says: “Not all relationship anxiety is bad anxiety—anxiety can nudge us towards something that needs to happen. If you obsess about where your relationship is going, most likely you are at the point where you need to know.”
However, do not make the mistake of bringing up this conversation too soon. If you have only been on a few dates, do not have that conversation.
“If you choose to sleep with someone sooner than your system can handle it, then it is on you to help manage your anxiety. Don’t ruin a blooming connection by pushing for too much too soon,” Hendrix says.
Remind yourself that it is okay to have that conversation because it is healthy
Remind yourself that it is okay to ask for what you want in life. Tell yourself that you want a healthy relationship and having the “what are we” conversation will help foster it. The worst thing that can happen is if your partner gives a negative answer. That way, you know exactly where you stand and whether to stay or move on.
Do not worry about scaring your partner off
You may be worried that you will scare your partner off if you start the talk. You do not have to worry about that. A partner that wants to stay in the relationship will stay, regardless. If your partner wants to break up with you, you both do not belong together in the first place.
Have the conversation face to face
Chiara Atik, a dating expert and author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide, says, “As tempting as it might be to have difficult conversations by phone or text, make sure you talk about this in person. Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation and phone conversations just aren’t the same as meeting face-to-face.
“If you do want to have a relationship, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off.”
There you have it. If you are going to have that talk, do it face-to-face to foster better communication in your relationship.
You do not have to start the conversation with “We need to talk”
“We need to talk” is a sentence that can throw your partner into a panic and they will get into a defensive mode. Do not start your conversation with that. You want to have this conversation in a relaxed mood to get the best result.
ALSO READ: 7 types of relationships and how to define them
Keep it light
Do not make the “what are we” conversation seem like doomsday. That talk should not be heavy and full of pressure. You can make it light, even start the conversation on a funny note. This will make both you and your partner relax and have that conversation effectively.
Be straightforward
Resist the urge to have a long, drawn-out debate on your feelings. It will be easier for both of you if you are direct and clear. Therefore, develop that confidence to broach the subject so you can know where your relationship is headed once and for all.
Give your partner time to think
Your partner might not have the answer right away and it is okay. Do not rush them. Give them time to think and get an answer.
Do not get discouraged if you do not have the response you hoped for
If it turns out your partner does not want a committed relationship, you can feel sad but it is time to move on. Do not settle because you have lost hope of finding someone else who wants the same commitment as you do. Keep searching and you will find the right person.
“What are we” responses
- “You’re special to me and you know that, but I don’t want to complicate what we have by putting a title on it.”
- “I don’t know. I’d love for us to find out.”
- “Whatever we are, it is something good and worth holding on to.”
- “I think we have a special connection and enjoy spending time together. Let’s continue getting to know each other and see where it leads.”
- “I like you a lot, and I think we share a deeper connection. I’m not sure about labels, but I want to explore this relationship further.”
- “I enjoy our time together, and I’m open to seeing where things go. Let’s take it one step at a time and just enjoy what we have.”
- “It’s important to communicate openly and honestly about our feelings. What do you think we are? Let’s have a conversation about our expectations and define our relationship together.”
- “I’m not ready to put a label on it just yet, but I genuinely enjoy our connection. Can we take some more time to understand and define our relationship on mutual terms?”
ALSO READ: 10 facts about long-distance relationship you didn’t know
