Forming a blended family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience. The new couple may be excited about their marriage and look to a happily ever after. But the children may approach the situation differently. They may feel uncertain about the upcoming changes and how they will affect relationships with their natural parents. They will likely feel worried about living with their step-siblings who they may not even like.
This is very normal because not all children accept changes. Blending a family is rarely easy. If you are in this situation, this piece will give you tips to help your blended family work through the changes.
What is a blended family?
HelpGuide.org refers to a blended family as a family in which two partners come together to make a life with the children from one or both of their previous relationships. Remarriage often leads to the formation of a blended family. It is a challenging process, especially for the children involved.
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, it can take one to two years for blended families to adjust to the changes. The publication also revealed that blended families often use grandparents (or other family members), clergy, support groups and other community-based programmes to help with the adjustments. Hence, many blended families prefer to be called a family to foster unity within the household.
Things to know about a blended family
Being divorced or separated from a previous partner can be pretty painful. Then, you find yourself in a new, loving relationship and you cannot wait to settle down with your new partner. Oftentimes, you are tempted to rush into marriage and another chance at happily ever after.
Here are 10 tips to lay a solid foundation for a blended family.
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1. Take things slow
Do not rush into marriage because you feel you have finally found “the one”. Slow down and consider your kids before you take the step. Too many changes occurring at once can unsettle the children and can affect your marriage. HelpGuide.org said that blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.
2. It is okay if you do not love your partner’s children overnight
Do not feel bad if you do not like your partner’s children immediately. It is very normal. But does not mean you should ignore or maltreat them. Instead, find a way to bond with them. Allow them to learn to love and trust you. You can only do that if you make efforts to get to know them. Love and affection between you and your stepkids will grow over time.
3. Find ways to bond with your stepkids
Bonding with your stepkids is very important if you want to enjoy a happy marriage. Find ways to make bonding experiences with them. You can take them to the shopping mall or a park or can do something as simple as watching a favourite movie together at home. The important thing is that you are creating an atmosphere of love and trust while having fun. Children want to feel safe and secure and you must give them that desire.
Also, make them feel valued and not invisible because you married their parent. Creating an honest and open environment free of judgment will help kids feel heard and emotionally connected to a new step-parent.
4. Make parental changes before you marry
Do not make the mistake of adopting your parenting skills from a previous relationship to a new one. Agree with your new partner about how you intend to parent together. Then make necessary changes or adjustments before you marry. It will make the transition smoother and help reduce the chances of kids feeling isolated because you brought in a new family.
5. Do not give room for ultimatums
There may come a time when your frustrated child will demand that you choose between them and the new blended family. Do not fall for that. Do not make room for such things to happen. If it does, remind your child(ren) that you want them and the other family together. Insist on it, gently. Over time, your child will adjust.
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6. Make your stepkids respect you
You cannot force your stepchildren to like you but you have to insist that they must respect you. Respect is important if you do not want a stressful marriage. When you insist that they should treat you with respect, they will comply even if they do not want to. It may take a while but your insistence will pay off eventually.
7. Limit your expectations
The truth is you may likely not have a perfectly blended family overnight. So, do not expect too much. Having too many expectations will likely get you disappointed. Instead, learn to take things one day at a time. Think of your efforts to have a blended family as an investment that will yield a big interest in the future.
8. Let your stepkid set the pace
Every child is different. Some are friendly and extroverted. Others are shy and introverted. Allow your step kid to take their time to accept you. Do not force acceptance. Given enough time, patience, and interest, your stepkid will eventually give you a chance.
9. Use routines and rituals to bond
Rituals, in this case, do not mean taking sacrifices to a local shrine in exchange for favours from the gods. It means establishing a habit that everyone in the blended family can adopt. Learn to incorporate at least one family ritual and routine. It helps to bond with your stepfamily. Routines and rituals can include making breakfast together on weekends, going to visit nearby extended families on Sundays or washing the car together.
10. Set some boundaries
Children often think they do not need boundaries. It is tough when you are trying to bond with your stepkids. On the other hand, not setting boundaries may make a child feel unloved, invisible and unwanted. As a new step-parent, you do not have to be the enforcer, at least in the beginning. Work with your spouse to do it on your behalf until you can bond well with their children.
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