If you’re scared of getting close to people or allowing people close to you, then you have a fear of intimacy. For some reason, some people are scared of allowing others into their lives. Most times, it’s not like they don’t want intimacy or close relationships; it’s simply a case of finding it difficult to allow themselves to be vulnerable to others.
Overcoming fear of intimacy will take time because you need to explore and understand why you have that fear and how you can let yourself experience intimacy of various kinds with others. If you’re in this situation, then this article is for you.
What is fear of intimacy?
Fear of intimacy is a social phobia and anxiety disorder that doesn’t allow one to form close relationships with other people. It is also referred to as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, which results in the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. There are four types of intimacy, and they are:
- Experiential: which means sharing common activities, interests, or experiences that bring you together with other people.
- Intellectual: which means bonding with someone through an exchange of ideas or deep, meaningful discussions.
- Emotional: which means sharing innermost feelings or forming a spiritual connection.
- Sexual: which means having a close sexual relationship with a person.
If you fear intimacy, you don’t want to share emotional or physical ties with others. You may be deliberate about it or may not even realise you’re doing it. We will discuss several signs and causes of fear of intimacy in the next segments.
Signs you have a fear of intimacy
Here are 7 signs you may have a fear of intimacy:
You always withhold information about your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. It’s easy to talk about anything else that has nothing to do with you, but when it comes to details about yourself, you close up. It’s not like you don’t want to talk about yourself. But your instinct is to hold back to avoid being hurt. In your mind, the lesser information you share about yourself, the better it will be to manage disappointments and low expectations of others.
ALSO READ: How relationship status defines lives of human beings
You date a lot with no commitment
Fear of intimacy can make you break up many romantic relationships because you don’t want to commit to any of them. Every time you’re dating someone new, and when the relationship is turning serious, you deliberately end it. Your exes call you a jerk, snake, or asshole, whereas you have a commitment phobia.
You’re a perfectionist
A person with a fear of intimacy is often plagued with the need to be perfect in everything to prove himself or herself lovable. Part of the cause of fear of intimacy is the feeling that you don’t deserve love or to be loved. So for you, it’s an all-or-nothing attitude.
You don’t like physical contact
It’s not just with your partner; it’s also with your family, friends, or other people. For some reason, you find touching very irritating. On the other hand, you constantly need physical contact but can’t figure out a way to express it.
Deliberately sabotaging relationships
People with a fear of intimacy always look for ways to sabotage their relationships. They deliberately make themselves unlovable and unbearable and falsely accuse their partners of something that didn’t happen just so the relationship will end. As the relationship grows and intensifies, a person with a fear of intimacy may feel overwhelmed and negatively react through sabotage.
You withdraw when your partner wants more
Your partner may agree to have a casual relationship with you. But as time passes by, they may find they have fallen in love with you and want more than a casual relationship. The problem is you’re not ready. So you begin to find your partner too clingy and begin to withdraw. You see their demand for more too intense, overwhelming, and irritating for you.
ALSO READ: 6 ways to start an office romance
You don’t like sex
Having a sexual relationship is a no-go area for you because you’re scared of physical contact that would escalate the relationship. On the other hand, having sex is not your problem. It’s the intimacy that is associated with it that puts you off. So you prefer one-night stands with faceless people that will just come and go.
Fear of intimacy causes
Let’s discuss the five main causes of fear of intimacy.
Fear of rejection
You may feel rejected if you attempt to get close to someone. This is one of the root causes of fear of intimacy. Your fear of rejection may stem from being rejected before or watching others being rejected. You don’t want it to happen to you, so you close yourself off from other people.
Fear of abandonment
You may fear being abandoned if you enter a serious relationship. Rather than let it happen to you, you decide not to intimately involve yourself with others who may abandon you.
Fear of engulfment
You fear being controlled, dominated, or “losing yourself” in a relationship. This fear often originates from people who grew up in abusive homes.
Anxiety disorder
Anxiety disorder is a medical problem in which a person has a social phobia that results in not associating with other people. According to Healthline, The cause of this disorder remains unclear. The publication also said about 2.5 percent of the global population suffers from this disorder. Some of the symptoms are low self-esteem, fear of judgement, being too sensitive to criticism, the need to anticipate potential problems, and avoiding social situations.
Child abuse
Children who have been sexually molested often grow to be adults who fear intimacy. Such abuse often leads someone to avoid intimate emotional, physical, and sexual relationships. They feel angry and disgusted when touched, have a warped idea about sex, develop abnormal sexual behaviors, and cannot be sexually aroused or experience orgasm.
ALSO READ: 10 things you should never tell your boyfriend
Dating someone with a fear of intimacy
If you’re dating someone with a fear of intimacy, you know you have a lot of work cut out for you. Don’t fear. Here are simple steps to help them overcome their fear:
- Communicate your feelings and thoughts without confrontation.
- Be empathetic with their situation.
- When they withdraw from you, don’t repay them with the same action. Make them feel you’re present.
- If they decide to open up, listen. Don’t put them under pressure.
- Give them space, but ensure they feel you’ll be there when they need you.
- You may suggest they accompany you to couples therapy to deal with their issues. They may feel more comfortable opening up with a professional.
How to overcome a fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy varies for people. Some have mild cases that can be dealt with on their own. Severe cases often need professional help. Here are things you should do to overcome your fear of intimacy:
- Find out why you have a fear of intimacy. Is it because of childhood trauma, previous painful rejection, or abandonment? Finding out where the problem is coming from is halfway to overcoming the fear of rejection.
- Value yourself. One of the causes of fear of intimacy is low self-esteem. Learning to value yourself will make you see you deserve love and to be loved.
- Be open and vulnerable. Yes, it will take a while. But practice makes perfect, right?
- Seek professional help if you know you can’t do it alone.
Fear of intimacy test
The fear of intimacy test is a self-evaluation scale that determines the fear of intimacy. The scale contains 35 self-evaluation questions, and scores are usually between 35 and 175. A higher score usually means that there’s a higher fear of intimacy. And men typically have higher scores than women.
If you have a fear of intimacy, there are various fear of intimacy tests and quizzes online, which are free. The results are confidential, so you don’t have to worry about exposing your personal info.
ALSO READ: 10 things to do when you chop breakfast
